I was never good following through with you. I honestly made all of you and set my mind for a few days, but as time irrevocably passes by, I would always find something else to take your place in my mind. Some would be quite stupid, trust me. But I just needed one simple excuse to not take you seriously.
Until last year. That was the first time I actually promised something and did all in my power to fulfill it. So, a year ago, around 3 am January first, I smoked my last cigarette. And I found out if I could do whatever I wanted it had to really mean something to me. All the others was just things I wanted to adjust, be better (as in being something I’m not just because I thought it would help me be more “acceptable”). 

2016 is a few hours away. What do I want for this whole year ahead of me? What can I do to change – myself and the stuff I need in order to live better?

Well, 2016, I promise you this: living you to the fullest. Wake up every day and making the best of that day. Be more present to those I love and show them there is someone willing to go to hell and back for them. Even if they don’t stick around. I promise to be a better me to me so I can be better to others. 

 I promise to be thinner. But, you know, I like eating…so, be patient! 

As I stood in front of the computer for a whole day, trying to figure out what I could possibly say to you, I realized the only thing is: Thank you.

You fucked me hard and strong. A wise person once said to me that life is not about getting what you think you deserve, but what you truly deserve in order to keep growing and learning. 2015, hands down, you were the toughest teacher.

You took me to dance and held me in your arms, showing me the perks of having great friends, a supporting family and someone to laugh off my flaws. You bent me like a Chinese bamboo and showed me I could go back to the exact same form as before, just a little better each time. You showed me how peculiar I am – and that this is quite good. You swept me off my feet, just to remind me how beautiful a smile can be.

You gave me the hardest and most painful blows and swept me off my feet just to prove a point – and make me humble again, obligating me to see things from another perspective. This was the year I fell. You took my mind and heart by the hand and made me question every move, every decision, every word ever spoken. You reminded me people are their own and they can’t change, unless they want to.

But, then again, you made me grow. Made me mature. Made me go back writing. Made me open up again and let people in. But, the greatest lesson of all was: live today. Do whatever you feel like it and feel no shame and no regret. Open up and live the fullest.

So, here it is 2016 – my heart is all yours.

 

I like to ask people for their opinion. I like to see how their emotions and life experiences take them to an specific train of thoughts to give me some sort of advice. It’s interesting how differently people react to the same explanation of a problem – I find this fascinating. It is much more learning about people than learning about life or its outcome.

Each moment lived teaches us something that, somehow, we believe it to be applicable in someone else’s life – either we are talking about a problem at work, a disease, family or love – mainly love. Is it life that turns us into such skeptical creatures or the way we handle our experiences? Can we tell exactly what will happen or how it will happen? Can we actually predict things? We are all rules, not exceptions?

Listening carefully and taking every word said as true it is an actual risk. I tend to take those opinions, those bursts of knowledge on any sort of subject or feeling and apply them directly onto something only I live or know. I have this morbid tendency to see the scene in my head, taking place with all the advices being used, word by word. Turns out, things in our heads work wonders – not so much in real life. Can you see the risk there? Sure, people from the outside see things differently and put things in perspective easily. But they don’t know the correct outcome. None of us do. So, shouldn’t we all just take the risk and live the way we think we should?

Then you find out one very important rule – everyone knows everything. And everyone is flat out wrong, even when they are so damn right it hurts. But each and every one of us has an specific path, things to see and feel by ourselves – how I learn is absolutely different from you.
It takes a lot to stand your ground and not go with the flow. To listen, but not to take it as yours. To consider, but see among the trees of knowledge that some things may not apply to you. To live today and don’t give a single fuck.

Truth to be told? Learning is a tough-love process that we must go through by ourselves. Literally. Although some stuff we can and it is better to learn together, most of it we must walk with our own shoes and find out what is better for us. And, if we fall, those with the easy words are the ones that will hold us in silence. So, yeah…we can’t predict things. We can’t take a shortcut in learning. We can learn a few tricks down the road but learning is something like a scar.

When things go not the way we imagined or expected, we are forced to focus and see things the right way. We are forced to see the things we have been avoiding, maybe fearing we could get hurt. What is the fun about living if we don’t get hurt every now and then?  What is the point on avoiding feeling? Priorities are always different. That is the first thing we should learn about people – their priorities hardly will be the same as yours. If they are, consider yourself lucky as fuck.

You find yourself trapped between emotions, chained in your expectations while being beaten up by reality. You find yourself dealing with the dance of love while playing in the pain board. Expectations are a high risk – it is a jump in the dark, hoping there is a net of the same things casted by someone else to hold you. Often we jump and find nothing. For some people this is a small death.

It is incredibly complicated how simple things actually are. It is only yes or no. Black or white. In or out. But there is no fun in simple – therefore expectations. Wouldn’t it be easier if we just adjust realities from day 1? Apparently this is the lost art of simplicity. We try to scrutinize every word, every action, every song when it could just be one simple: let’s not. We obsess, we talk about whatever over and over and over again. We call, we text, we try to reason, we seek the impossible answer, when it was only a matter of setting the cards on the table.

But we jump. Whatever the outcome, we jump. We jump because, truly, we need to. When priorities are different, someone has to jump first. So go on then – jump.

 

 

P.s: for you, my dear.

 

Have you ever heard how love should be like? What you should be looking for? How you and your significant other should act like and be with each other? That there can’t be no silence, you must talk all the time and kiss nonstop and you have to always feel the butterflies in your stomach?

Yeah, I don’t like that. I don’t like recipes – “that is what works, follow the rules”. Love plays by its own book – the rules are unknown to humans, clearly. If you think your love is perfect, then you should find another one. You don’t love, you just pretend. Love can’t be perfect – love is something else, absolutely far from it. Love has flaws.

You can’t love rules. You can’t love perfectly constructed phrases, with deep thoughts on what your heart aches for. Flaws make things pretty and fun – make things real. Perfect love can’t be real as everything is set to look fun and pretty on the outside, but nothing is out of its place. Nothing makes it special.

You should look for the imperfect love. The one you build with the person by your side, making mistakes, crashing walls, punching nails, chasing rainbows while having a drink. The one that has long silences – it means you are so comfortable with each other that you don’t need to fill every single minute with disposable words. The one that you know all the annoying things that pisses you off but that is also what make you smile at the end of a hard day.

You should look for the one like a bee sting. Imperfect love is unpredictable. If you know what is the next move, you should look for something else. Imperfect love is that one where you start melting but you are still whole. You look around and you see nothing and everything. You are drunk and sober – what were we talking about 5 seconds ago? Imperfect love make the colors brighter – be careful with your eyes.

Imperfect love is the one you didn’t even know you wanted it thou you know you can’t live without it. Imperfect love is the one that seizes our souls.