I always said I’m better writing than speaking. My heart is an open field of love, but my brain is afraid. And then I’m afraid of not knowing how to express myself. I’m afraid of not being well received. At times like this, I do not even know how to write. Although I do it from the heart, it is so small right now that it does not know what to say. But something happens and I remember: I remember your easy smile and the sparkle of your eyes when you are speaking of him. I remember your laughter and his. I remember the endless bullshit laughther we shared together. I remember him breaking into our dinners …

It hurts to separate the flesh. There is no smell, no touch, the warmth of the skin. It hurts to lie down and not find anything. But one thing, my love, I can assure you: you lived exactly everything we all desire, but only chosen souls can. He did not leave you, he is now just looking after you in another dimension. He never belonged to this world and, deep down, you know that too. He was too pure for this a world. But he came. To love you. To show to us that true love exists. To leave behind a smile wherever he went. To teach us to be lighter, more fun, more loving! For us to give without thinking about anything.

I’ll take this with me forever: be like him! I always wished with my body and soul, to be as amazing as him. Be as beautiful inside, radiate an with an unprecedented light. But that was him. You can only aspire to and try. And you, my great love, I have placed you in a box and carry it in my heart. I carry you to every place I go. I wished your pain was mine so I could save you. I asked God to give me all agony and let your heart free. But God told me that your heart is the strongest of all. I will always be here. No matter what happens, time, life: I will always be by your side. Cause you taught me that friendship can and is the most beautiful and pure thing a human being can have. Cause you taught me that fellowship is not measured in likes on photos or msgs: measured in looks. Cause you both taught me to love. I love you.

Not long ago, we were not on best terms. I was having difficulty dealing with all in therapy, trying to forgive myself and others – including you – and you were living your life, doing what you thought it was best. For an year, maybe a bit more or a bit less, we barely spoke. On my side, it was good: I’ve learned to appreciate and love even the bits of you I disliked the most. And I could see, clearly, everything what you tried to teach me. Thank you for that.

And now, after such a long time and a carnival that brought us together again, here we are, looking at the same crossroad. Should we go left? Should we go right? Maybe forward?

Different stories, same place. Was it a plan from the divine? To bring us together so we could hold one another? I like to think so.

I can’t tell you what to do, as I know you can’t tell me what to do: you know the problem, but you don’t feel my love and I know your problem, however, I’ll never know the extension of your love, because I’m not the target. But I promise you this: whatever you decide to do, I’ll be at the end of the road, ready to pick you up, hold your hand and help you walk again. I’ll be the one waiting with a bottle of wine – wether to celebrate or to cry on.

All I know is that what you are going through, mixed with what I’m going through, has made me change. Everyday I get to learn something and change and grow. If it was not for you by my side, I would be here, as strong as I’m now. Thank you for that, my lovely friend. Whatever the outcome, I’ll be here.

 

Photo by Henn Kim