So, I turned 34 yesterday, October 20th. It feels like yesterday I was moving to São Paulo, still trying to figure out my life, thinking I would have everything sorted out by the time I hit my 30’s. Four years into it and finally I found my path, myself, my way of doing things. But, it had a price – quite expensive in some areas, but this is growing up. Paying for every step you take.
The last couple of years were my greatest and toughest professors. I wanted to do things right and day after day after day it felt like I could only make mistakes. I lost my job, I’ve lost the man I thought it would be my forever love. I saw myself without a friend that was the most important one – and I’m still trying to pinpoint what I have done to lose her. But I also learned, so damn much in the last couple of years, that the feeling of gratitude surpasses the feeling of loss.
I was never comfortable celebrating my birthday and not because I didn’t want to feel old or even grow up. My biggest fear was always setting up a small gathering and no one shows up. Not a single friend would be there, even to hug me for two seconds and leave. This year, 2018, after so many rough paths and losses and craziness, I saw myself excited. Even if no one showed up, I would enjoy. And this became a lesson.
Dear 3.4 me: we are not where we envisioned many years ago. Married, with an amazing job, two kids, a house with dogs and cats and possibly living abroad. We are single AF, freshly into a job that has purpose and fulfilling, still dealing with a fuckload of debt, getting a post-grad, two cats and far too many wines per week. But, even so we are so damn different than what we had imagined, I’m quite sure we are happier.
I have found my voice. I have learned compassion and empathy. I have learned how to love people even when they hurt me. And I like this Lucila. I like who I became and who I am becoming, every day. I won’t say today what I want for this new year, I will say what I think if will be: full of love, laughter, wines and gin & tonic, lots of travel, books and weird convos.
And, to my friends, old and new, gratitude. And love. If it wasn’t for you, each and every one of you, I would not be here and I would have become this person. Every conversation makes me better. Every hug makes me bigger. Every good morning makes me loved. Here to a new, amazing and crazy year!
letters for us 