I was never one to fear silence. I like being alone, reading. Maybe writing or studying (specially now after this horrific elections). But being alone is quite comforting and normal to me – this is something I’m used to since a very young age and I’m awesome to myself. So, this post is not about this. And, trust me: every now and then, give yourself a silence treatment. Get away, get a cup of coffee and just connect with yourself. It does wonders.

However, it has been a little over a year that I’m single. It took me 11 months to go on a date. And I only went out with two guys (and no, it didn’t work out with neither). And on the past couple of weeks it has taken its toll on me – I’m feeling single AF and not particularly good about it. I never gave much consideration into whether I would get married or even have children since it all felt too distant and not really something down the line to me.

But two years into a relationship, where we were pretty much living together (I didn’t forget all the cheating and lies – it’s not about this as well), I kinda felt it could happen. That I could actually share my daily craziness with someone. Make coffee every morning and cooking dinner at night. Plan every single trip we could take. I literally found this new me in this relationship – I know I’m very caring and blablabla but I actually enjoy every single minute of it. I like cooking every day. Wake up a bit earlier to get the coffee ready. It’s not something I do feeling like a job or something I’m obligated to do – I like it. And I kept getting my moments of silence – reading a book earlier in the morning, while he was still asleep. Drinking my wine even when he didn’t want it. Discovering new recipes.

And now I’m single AF.

And I know you wanna say: well, going out much? I don’t really go out every single weekend. But I do go out. And yes, I tried dating apps as well. So, I found out I’m not good flirting – nah, let me be honest: I’m HORRIBLE flirting. I’m already naturally awkward and a bit weird and it gets way worst when I try to flirt. I wonder what men think when they realize I’m trying to flirt with them… Probably: not impressed (I wouldn’t be). But now I’m single as fuck and it’s not a good feeling. I’m booking my tickets for new year’s eve and I don’t mind traveling alone, never had any problem with it. This time is a bit blah. I’ll travel anyway. I guess what is really bothering me is that I don’t actually find myself girlfriend material. Not that I’m not a good person, I’m fucking awesome if you want to know the truth – amazing friend and to be honest, I guess I’m the greatest ex my boyfriend’s ever had. I’m not attractive to man and perhaps not even cute (attractive is a lot more accurate. I think men look at me and don’t see a person they want to kiss or hold or even have sex. I’m just the funny girl everyone likes to hang out with, but that is it). I have been thinking about this for quite some time now – it is just that I’m not pretty enough or sexy enough. I do admit I’m way too much man repeller with my outfits and my strong opinions.

But now I’m single AF.

The feeling is not real good. I miss the time where I was pretty fine with myself and didn’t care about all this. Now I feel old, awkward and overall unattractive to even a freaking mouse in the streets.