A year ago, I met someone. Conversations flew by – I’m always the one to sleep early and I caught myself going to bed around 3 a.m. I would wake up invigorated, fresh AF. Coffee tasted even better in the mornings. I was working like crazy, living my life. And he showed up, felt like everything fell into place and things were great.

We met – and I still have a laugh when I remember I took him to my favorite bar and all of my friends were there. Literally, everyone was there. But, what was an awkward date in the beginning, became a promise of lighter days by the end of it. With a desire of going to the supermarket, drunk.

That first kiss still resonates on my lips.

It was a year ago, and I can still remember your smell. The gentle touch of your fingers on my back. The excitement of going away for the weekend after just one week together. What were we thinking?

I would cook every night and we would share a bottle of wine. You did the dishes while I put together your lunch for the next day. French music would be on and we talked – about our days. Your daughter. Our lives before we met. I still sing – Je ne veux plus revoir tes yeux verts ailleurs – from time to time.

I never wrote you a letter. For some time, I thought you would come back. I thought we could make things work with your life and be together. A year went by and I never heard from you again. How are you?

I know it sounds so premature and weird, but I love you. Still do – I don’t believe love is something disposable that you just toss away and forget. You gave me the best time I could have in 2019. Too bad it was not meant to be.

I hope you are happy. And I hope that, from time to time, the tips of your fingers remember how my skin felt.

Mind you, this is not an astrological chitchat. I like it, but I have no technical knowledge, so this is just a thank you letter.

I was never one to fully understand the meaning of Mercury Retrograde. I always thought it was to make our lives difficult, communications going bananas, technologies going berserk and on and on just a few days of complete chaos and nonsense.

Until THIS Mercury retrograde (as of now, it is over). This one, in Scorpio, shone the brightest light on my darkest corner. And, after 35 years of doing things recklessly, of always trying to be the bigger person on some parts (not going to let you all scrutinize all the bullshit), I saw it all – there, exposed, naked as fuck.

HOW THA FUCK DID I GET HERE?

No idea, fellow readers. No fucking idea.

But, here I’m. I had this huge spotlight showing me all I did wrong all this years. It is like to have kicked the hornets nest. But don’t get me wrong, it was the most absolute greatest thing that has ever happened to me during a mercury retrograde (clearly I was probably over drinking and not paying attention to all the other lessons).

But, here – this one I was not able to run away. Is it because I got older? Finally being over my 30’s actually meant something? God knows. However, this time the trick worked and I was forced to look into something I never paid the slightest attention and it is incredible how a little shed of light can make wonders. And, looking back, when you realize how every single choice you made in the past smirks back at you now saying: há, it hurts, doesn’t it? And, to be honest? Not as much as I thought it would. How would I learn, if not making the most stupid decisions?

I know this letter makes zero sense – for far too long I didn’t write a letter, lost the hang of it.

But, dear Mercury, thank you. It was deeply important to go through all of this, exactly at this time. It was the kick I needed.

I want you to know this, my dear. Love, as Molière once said, is not governed by reason. It happens and it blossoms and it takes over your mind and soul and there is no way to avoid it. You can’t control this.

But you can control how to let it go. How to walk away and don’t let pain overflow and put you down. Sometimes all we need is a bit of distraction. Some sort of different dimension to dance for a while and be back to reality. I guess this is the way of life telling us to keep on going, even when we are too tired to believe in it.

You can read the signs and yet, life will do what it has to do. You can try to run, but this will catch you. And it is ok. Because in order to make it right, we have to be wrong. In order to know, we have to feel.

Open your heart. Do something unexpected. Go somewhere you have never been before with someone you barely know, but has something to show you.

Every experience is valid.

Every kiss is worth it.

Go on dancing on empty streets.

Smile to strangers. Sink in and get drunk with that perfume.

 

And let it go.

 

No tears. No pain. No distress.

Just gratitude for the hours dancing in the horizon.

We have to talk about responsibility – with one another.  We have to own our shit and be extremely responsible with other human beings because, guess what? We are all on the same fucking boat.

You may be wondering: why is she talking about this? What does she actually want to talk about? If you also follow me on Instagram (and speaks Portuguese) you may have seen a series of videos I made about FOMO. If not, it all started after one of my dearests friends sent me a message saying she was morally hung over after she met with her latest fling at a party. And, today, something extremely aggressive happened to me and since I have this space here, it is time to talk about being responsible with our fellow humans.

We were raised in a society that gives power to men and diminish women, whilst we romanticize certain behaviors. So, we perpetuate this state of “normality” and we keep violating ourselves, our friends and family and other people. Women are fragile and need to be swoon over in order to give a man a perfect life. Men can lie and cheat and do all sorts of mischiefs because boys will always be boys. We say it is adorable when a man stalk a woman and hurt people around her because look: he made her breakfast. Or, we tend to shrug our shoulders when a man pretends to be lovely, shy and sweet, pretends he wants something with you, when in reality, he just want to have sex and move on with his life. Why?

I know in this extremely connected society we live right now give us this sense of urgency – to swipe left and right in record time because we cannot miss anything. And I also know FOMO has crossed every boundary and now is not only online – it is offline. We are so afraid of missing something that we no longer care how we treat one another. I’m talking not only about romantic relationships. But we are blinded on how we treat people and how we relate to them, how we dance to the music of society. We are always, constantly afraid of what is next that we can’t even be honest – to ourselves and to others. How can I spend time or even open up a little of my life when I may be missing something greater just around the corner? (newsflash, 99,99% of the time, this is wrong and there isn’t something greater there. It is just another mediocre encounter because, once again, you are not really there)

Honesty is key to everything. We can find new friends, have amazing flings, and have a great night – as long as everything is grounded on honesty. We seem to be doing a marathon and people are obstacles and we have to run and run and run – doesn’t matter if you fucked someone’s head, you are always on top of everything, who cares? That is why we HAVE to be responsible for someone’s feelings. Blocking someone, using them, pretending nothing has ever happened just indicates how fucking self-absorbed you are and how you have zero respect to their feelings. And how you can’t deal with real relationships and real human beings. We have to be responsible – with us and others. TELL THE FUCKING TRUTH. It doesn’t hurt – lying, on the other hand, HURTS A FUCK LOAD.

Why do we use this mask? Why we lie in order to get what we want? Its 2019 – people are independent, they can live their lives on their own, have fun, and pay their bills. Own what you really want and talk to people and actively LISTEN to them. Not to just reply immediately to what they are saying, but understand what they want to say, sink in into their thoughts and mind. Talk. Listen. Be real. Don’t be aggressive and go on blocking people because you can’t deal with your truth. Don’t go on ghosting people, hurting them, just because you feel you are entitled to anything. You are not.

Remember that. Be honest. Be nice. And have  great life.

 

I know you have been crawling around. And you are doing this for so long it seems like we were born together; sometimes it actually feels like we are the same. But this is the letter where I say goodbye to you.

Have you ever looked around yourself and thought: how on earth did I get here? Doesn’t people know I’m not that good? What am I doing? Do I know what I’m doing??

Trust me, at least 50 times a week I would ask myself that. Especially if anyone would complement me or say something nice about the fact that I’m self-taught in English or that I usually can fix any electronic device (I know shit about it, I just really like to fuss around until I somehow fix it). I never saw myself as good enough or, at least, not so bad. I always looked up to my friends and acquaintances and see all their great qualities, whilst I would only enumerate my flaws. Alas, writing is my passion (and I know I’m a bit rusty) and every time someone said they loved what I wrote, I felt my heart sinking, thinking: hey, hon, I’m really not that good. I know you are just saying that because you are nice.

Until…

Until 2018 hits me like a fucking train (freely citing Florence and The Machine). In so many ways. And I have to, from the bottom of my heart, thank that blogger who dragged my name on the mud. Thank you, lady. I hope you have taken all that anger out of your heart and we can move on with our lives. But, because of you, because you were the key factor to make me freeze and get into the biggest crisis of my life, I was able to go all the way down and come back. I couldn’t work properly any longer. I was at my favorite brand and I couldn’t move, I couldn’t breathe. I hated everything and I believed it was, entirely, my fault: I was never good on the first place, obviously it would end up in shit eventually.

Yeah, that was not the reason.

I’m good and I have no problem in saying it. I don’t believe I’m better than anyone or it makes me feel like I’m the best cookie. No. I just know I’m good. Because the moment I left, the moment I let all that pain hit me, I could rise again, because so many people called me saying: can you work with me?

And then, this you already know: I went to Buenos Aires. And all those thousands of steps I took every day assured me: you are good to go, kiddo. Stop messing around; you know you can do it. Yes, Baires, I know I can. I just didn’t want to face what was wrong – it is SO much damn easier to blame someone or something else… But, you didn’t let me get away with it.

So, I stopped messing around. Got my shit together – got to go back to one of my favorite agencies and clients. Sometimes, you gotta accept that kick in your ass and jump.

(this pic is from my house in Montevideo. Boy, this house made me write)

So, hello again, everyone. And happy 2019.

I would like to start this letter stating this: I’ll try my very best to post once every week. I love writing and I miss it a lot. So I guess this is sort of a New Year’s Eve promise.

To the letter, shall we?

 

Hi, Buenos Aires. How are you feeling today? Hopefully extremely hot and with your so inviting blue sky.

I was very afraid of you – not you, exactly, but going to see you on my own. I would like to, first, tell you I was never afraid of traveling alone or being alone, for that matter. But I was really afraid to be visiting you, on my own, during my favorite time of the year. Yes, New Year is my favorite holiday – I don’t really know why, but it is. And, on a crazy moment decision, I decided to see you.

Thank you for showing me how wrong I was about you. I had this crazy idea about you, mostly because of Medianeras. And boy you proved me wrong. Every corner I turned, you took my breath away. Every single step I took, you showed me how overwhelming incredible you are. The houses. The streets. Museums. Your people. I didn’t know how lovely and open Argentinians were. They smiled at me every single time. I was so taken away by you, I forgot to take pictures – but I have every ounce of you writting in my head.

And what is up with you and all the beautiful places and plazas and monuments? And trees. And churches. And houses. And for being so lefty – one left heart here!

But, Buenos Aires, I have something else to say, and it has nothing to do with your greatness and beauty.

I felt at home. I felt like I was wanted there, every minute. And, because of that, you gave me so much food for thought. I walked every day. Music on, water in my hand, cigarette in the other. And you made me think – to face all my fears, my past, my present, my future. You made me look, upfront, everything that keeps me from being me.

You made me open up to new friends. You made me talk to people. To be free. You showed me I can trust and live. I was so afraid of you and you were so sweet, so open hearted. I love you, Buenos Aires, not just for your beauty, but because you helped me see myslef. Every day, walking so many kilometers, listening to your sounds, visiting your most known spots and discovering some hidden gems, you made me love myself. You made me look so deep I never dared before.

You were a surprise. The greatest of all times. I was so overwhelmed, every day, by you. This letter will never do you justice. Maybe because I’m still tired from coming back from the most incredible vacations I ever gave me. Maybe because I’m already a bit tipsy. But you, Buenos Aires, my love, you were my blessing from 2018 and the most amazing beginning for 2019. To you, all my love.

I was never one to fear silence. I like being alone, reading. Maybe writing or studying (specially now after this horrific elections). But being alone is quite comforting and normal to me – this is something I’m used to since a very young age and I’m awesome to myself. So, this post is not about this. And, trust me: every now and then, give yourself a silence treatment. Get away, get a cup of coffee and just connect with yourself. It does wonders.

However, it has been a little over a year that I’m single. It took me 11 months to go on a date. And I only went out with two guys (and no, it didn’t work out with neither). And on the past couple of weeks it has taken its toll on me – I’m feeling single AF and not particularly good about it. I never gave much consideration into whether I would get married or even have children since it all felt too distant and not really something down the line to me.

But two years into a relationship, where we were pretty much living together (I didn’t forget all the cheating and lies – it’s not about this as well), I kinda felt it could happen. That I could actually share my daily craziness with someone. Make coffee every morning and cooking dinner at night. Plan every single trip we could take. I literally found this new me in this relationship – I know I’m very caring and blablabla but I actually enjoy every single minute of it. I like cooking every day. Wake up a bit earlier to get the coffee ready. It’s not something I do feeling like a job or something I’m obligated to do – I like it. And I kept getting my moments of silence – reading a book earlier in the morning, while he was still asleep. Drinking my wine even when he didn’t want it. Discovering new recipes.

And now I’m single AF.

And I know you wanna say: well, going out much? I don’t really go out every single weekend. But I do go out. And yes, I tried dating apps as well. So, I found out I’m not good flirting – nah, let me be honest: I’m HORRIBLE flirting. I’m already naturally awkward and a bit weird and it gets way worst when I try to flirt. I wonder what men think when they realize I’m trying to flirt with them… Probably: not impressed (I wouldn’t be). But now I’m single as fuck and it’s not a good feeling. I’m booking my tickets for new year’s eve and I don’t mind traveling alone, never had any problem with it. This time is a bit blah. I’ll travel anyway. I guess what is really bothering me is that I don’t actually find myself girlfriend material. Not that I’m not a good person, I’m fucking awesome if you want to know the truth – amazing friend and to be honest, I guess I’m the greatest ex my boyfriend’s ever had. I’m not attractive to man and perhaps not even cute (attractive is a lot more accurate. I think men look at me and don’t see a person they want to kiss or hold or even have sex. I’m just the funny girl everyone likes to hang out with, but that is it). I have been thinking about this for quite some time now – it is just that I’m not pretty enough or sexy enough. I do admit I’m way too much man repeller with my outfits and my strong opinions.

But now I’m single AF.

The feeling is not real good. I miss the time where I was pretty fine with myself and didn’t care about all this. Now I feel old, awkward and overall unattractive to even a freaking mouse in the streets.

So, I turned 34 yesterday, October 20^th. It feels like yesterday I was moving to São Paulo, still trying to figure out my life, thinking I would have everything sorted out by the time I hit my 30’s. Four years into it and finally I found my path, myself, my way of doing things. But, it had a price – quite expensive in some areas, but this is growing up. Paying for every step you take.

The last couple of years were my greatest and toughest professors. I wanted to do things right and day after day after day it felt like I could only make mistakes. I lost my job, I’ve lost the man I thought it would be my forever love. I saw myself without a friend that was the most important one – and I’m still trying to pinpoint what I have done to lose her. But I also learned, so damn much in the last couple of years, that the feeling of gratitude surpasses the feeling of loss.

I was never comfortable celebrating my birthday and not because I didn’t want to feel old or even grow up. My biggest fear was always setting up a small gathering and no one shows up. Not a single friend would be there, even to hug me for two seconds and leave. This year, 2018, after so many rough paths and losses and craziness, I saw myself excited. Even if no one showed up, I would enjoy. And this became a lesson.

Dear 3.4 me: we are not where we envisioned many years ago. Married, with an amazing job, two kids, a house with dogs and cats and possibly living abroad. We are single AF, freshly into a job that has purpose and fulfilling, still dealing with a fuckload of debt, getting a post-grad, two cats and far too many wines per week. But, even so we are so damn different than what we had imagined, I’m quite sure we are happier.

I have found my voice. I have learned compassion and empathy. I have learned how to love people even when they hurt me. And I like this Lucila. I like who I became and who I am becoming, every day. I won’t say today what I want for this new year, I will say what I think if will be: full of love, laughter, wines and gin & tonic, lots of travel, books and weird convos.

And, to my friends, old and new, gratitude. And love. If it wasn’t for you, each and every one of you, I would not be here and I would have become this person. Every conversation makes me better. Every hug makes me bigger. Every good morning makes me loved. Here to a new, amazing and crazy year!

I know I haven’t been as active as I said I would – but life has continued to surprise me, in many ways. And, sometimes, my head gets too distracted (and to be completely honest, I’ve been doing way too many videos on my Instagram, it became an addiction, I admit).

But, thank you to those who check my blog every other week and I hope I can keep up now (maybe writing here and sharing also on my videos, that may be a good idea!).

Nick has asked me to continue writing. Sonia has asked the same. So, here it is – a compilation of my last conversations with Nick, some of my weird videos on Instagram and so on. If you get bored, well, what can one do, right? Just remember: you don’t need to be in a place you don’t want to.

I have been really exploring how we must be responsible for everyone’s feelings. I know you may twist your lips and think: I cannot predict how someone will react to what I say or do. We really can’t. We can’t control nor predict anything – but we can be responsible on how we deal with the other person and how we deal with their feelings, in order to not increase nor inflict any unnecessary pain.

So, yeah. We gotta be responsible with someone else’s feelings – you may not want a relationship, so make it crystal clear. You may be feeling threatened at work because someone else got in – talk to them. Let them know why you are feeling uncomfortable. Why? Because we don’t know how people see us beforehand. We don’t know what tha hell they are going through – so we have to make all possible to not extend any unnecessary discomfort. I was talking about that because one of my friends went out with a guy, had a great time. And a day later, she saw him at a party and he acted like they were mere acquainted. They had a great time, not a promise of marriage. This could turn into other nights of fun (and I’m only talking about having fun, not committing to a lifelong relationship, for Christ’s sake!). But, irresponsible as we are, he didn’t care. Left her not understanding a flying fuck and that was it. You see why we gotta be responsible? Just like at work and I saw I was causing it – because it is natural to me to be more spontaneous and all and my colleague was miserable, thinking I want her spot (and trust me, this spot has never crossed my mind). We had to sit down, I had to explain: Hey, I have my own company, I have other clients. This is just another job to me.

And this made me rediscover a lot of things I used to love and got buried under the dust of everything that has happened in the past year (wow, even I can’t believe sometimes a year has gone by).  Why do we allow life to get so busy and forget to do the things we enjoy the most? I got caught in this whirlwind of feelings and routine and crazy stuff and most things I loved doing the most I just buried under the rug and left it there. Like sending absolutely long audio messages to Nick while drunk. Or reading a lot more – especially about life and feelings and quantum physics. And my morning yoga. I’m looking at my reflection on the screen while I write this and I can see my double-chin staring back at me – not fun.

Finally, I made peace with my past. (And this part I wrote to Nick last week): I now know the kind of selfishness he lives on and how he actually see the world in a whole different dimension – everyone owes him something, always so entitled of everything. Everyone says that he will somehow pay, as karma is here for it. But he won’t – he won’t ever understand, don’t expect that. He needs a whole new existence to know and to be empathic. Life will never be able to make him pay anything because he is far too up in his own arse to see. So, I don’t expect anything.  A blank page for the rest of our lives is good enough for me. As for me, I don’t know. I don’t see myself getting into a relationship again – but I’m quite happy allowing myself some fun every now and then. I’ll leave relationships for those who are good at it.

Before I start this letter, once again, welcome new readers. I know this blog has been fairly unattended, but I’ll do my best to come more often and share with you some of the letters written in my mind.

(P.s: hello Spanish people. Both Sonia and I know you also read this. WordPress is such a tell all…)

So, now, this is my letter to my phantom other.

About a year ago I wrote you a letter. One of the most honest and raw letters I have posted here. I knew you were hurt – I was just as much. You were the phantom other because I always knew you were there, but I pretended you were just a phase. Something that would disapear in thin air, just like a pink mist. Alas, you kept coming. Day after day.

Until that final call. The one he decided to end things with me to be with her – which, strangely enough, she is completely different from us! (I honestly thought he would maintain the pattern… crazy, brunettes, all over the place girls!)

Months went by. He left, you moved on with your life, I moved on with mine. However, we were each others phantoms, so we were still connected. And I posted that picture and you reached out. What a glorious day!

Of all the things I would like to tell him (but you know I just don’t care enough anymore to talk to him) is: thank you! Thank you so much for bringing Sonia into my life. For being such a fucking asshole, but an asshole that rouse our sorority even higher. But you said enough to him that day – I’m pretty sure he now knows we are thankfull for each other (and quite frankly his girlfriend now thinks we are both crazyheads jealousy ex-girlfriends. Oh well).

I’m thankful for you understanding my really poor galego. For making me laugh. For being just as CSI as I’m. For the good morning msgs. For when you said you were worried I’d lost too much weight. That meant the world to me.

We used to hate each other and now I can only think of: when can I get sometime off to fly to Galícia and finally meet her? Life is a tricky thing, isn’t?

Thank you for your crazyness, your lack of filter, your badass attitude and this amazing heart. Most of all, thank you for sharing my pain and coping with me.

Let’s face this world, together! ❤

From one pintinha to the other. To phantom others. To us!